20/10/26
I finally GRADUATED!!! It's been a while, hasn't it? So much has happened since my last status report, It's the end of a long and intensely stressful era that I feel absolutely no reason to look back on. The effects of not being under insane educational pressure have been immediate and noted on by friends and family. One friend told me: "you seem so much happier", and what an intensely touching and validating thing to hear. And it's true! Even as I'm careening towards working life, in which I have absolutely no idea how to support myself monetarily yet, even as potential jobs are being taken over by AI and the cost of living keeps rocketing up, I am still, so, so much happier on the other side of university. I just wasn't built for that life. Allright, enough whining already. What have I been up to? Other than settling into the groove of post-graduate life, I'm finally getting some medical things sorted out, moving towards a better understanding of my weird body and a healthier, more active life. I've also been looking into various community activities around my area, mainly focussed on technology. And as promised, I'm finally releasing what I've been working on, here on this site. It's time for the next step in my life here on Earth, whatever that might become. I'm so ready for it. Hope u guys enjoy the massive update, thanks for all the love <3
02/07/25
Life has been slow as I've been working to get myself back on track. Taking time off was necessary, but not having anything to do fucked with my sense of motivation. It's times like these where you get to truly appreciate how having a full, boring, draining schedule feeds the motivation to do what you love once you get time to actually do those things. When you have plenty of time every day that love starts to feel mundane and dissipate. Back when I was in high school my creativity would practically burst out of my soul in the weekends. Nowadays creativity is my education, and my graduation depends on it. Creativity requires emotional exertion, and being creative for a full-time career is the most emotionally draining path you could ever choose. Dear reader, don't go to art school. Find any other subject that interests you enough to want to become an expert in it, and for the love of god, let your hobbies remain hobbies. Something that you do for you. The key to a happy life being making your hobby your job is the biggest lie I've ever been fed. Hmm... Anyways, I saw Nine Inch Nails live a couple of days ago and it was incredible. In simply being who he is, Trent inspires me a lot. He's kind of a goof, isn't he. I wish to grow like him, continually, unapologetically reinventing myself. I want to learn how to dance like a 60 year old who used to go to goth clubs. I'm very eager to get myself back into a stable position. It's going to happen soon. 
18/03/25
I had to make the rough decision of cancelling my graduation project. As with everything you spend a number of years working up to which suddenly doesn't happen anymore, it always comes as a shock to find that you don't just stop existing afterwards. This hard switch however also unintendedly kick-started a process of acceptance surrounding autism, a process I had no idea was still necessary. I had been comfortable with calling myself autistic for quite some time, but what I hadn't accepted was the actual 'disability' part of autism. The fact that regular activities require much more energy for me to process is a fact I've been trying to prove wrong my entire life. Growing up with the "gifted kid" label has been documented to fuck up many an undiagnosed autistic child. For me, it was internalising the idea that I had to succeed just that little bit better than the people around me, because that's how I got validation from adults, a.k.a. the crack cocaïne to a child's developing brain. Looking back, now knowing my needs a lot better, it's a miracle I've managed to survive alongside my non-autistic peers for so long. I'm so proud of myself, but it's okay to stop pushing now. I don't have to be the best to survive, I don't even have to be good, I'll keep existing either way. I'm going to make work that impresses only me and the other terminally online autistic creatures in my computer screen. I'm much happier that way. 
31/10/24
The year is nearing it's end, it's put me in a reflective, almost melancholic mood. A lot has been happening in my life lately. The film I'll be making this year is starting to take shape. I've been doing a lot of very serious, very interesting research for it, mainly on media representation of intellectual disability: a topic I hold very close to my heart. It's been very informative, but now I'm looking forward to getting back into visual work. Other than that I've been reflecting a lot on love, and what it means to me. Without divulging too much on my private life, I've "cut through some knots" as the Dutch say. But I'm also meeting new faces, kind ones. Navigating live can be terrifying sometimes. Despite it all I try to live, feel and experience without restraint. Life is the universe experiencing itself and all. As a certain detective once put it: "Crashing headlong into everything is the only way to live, pal!" 
08/09/24
OH FUCK OH SHIT SCHOOL HAS STARTED AND I'M IN MY FINAL YEAR OH GOD OH FUCK. Uhh... I don't know how active I'll be on here for the next couple of months but I'll be making a whole ass movie, so thats pretty nifty. Life's been good for me lately. I've been soaking in the last bits of summer sun before it fucks off again for half a year. Prepping my body and mind for the super ultra death depression aura that Dutch winters bring. I got to dance my little feet off on some hyperspeed touhou remixes at an internet-themed party a couple days ago and it rejuvinated my soul by multiple decades. Got a blister though ;((
25/08/24
Life has been not so daijoubu lately, I got ill and had to deal with some heartbreak. So I've taken time off from looking at screens all day and doing stuff with my hands. I'm feeling a lot better now, both physically and mentally. I got really into Umberto Eco's book "The Name of the Rose". Getting back into reading was very weird, I haven't been able to do that in a while, but I'm thoroughly enjoying getting to go to a dingy 14th century monastery every night.
19/06/24
I've been meeting lots of cool artist people lately and they inspire me greatly to improve my skills! Currently working on a GBA game with a group of awesome, talented, likeminded people, which is why I've been away from this site for a while. I've also been finishing up a minor in Media Psychology :)
30/04/24
I finally took the leap and purchased a 1990 Panasonic WJ-MX10 video mixer. I'm diving into the world of video synthesis! It's been very exciting so far, I cleared out a corner of my room for it and it felt like preparing a baby's room for its arrival. I already adopted a sister for it too.
28/10/23
I've been getting back into playing Project Diva on the Vita lately. These games just get me in a chokehold sometimes. And every time I do get back into those games, it acts as a slippery slope until suddenly I'm watching a full recorded concert that was uploaded to YouTube 12 years ago and sobbing my brains out at 2 am. It's just what happens sometimes. I grew up with Vocaloid, it was a major part of my early internet experience and I don't think I'll ever be normal about it.
19/08/23
I recently went a couple days without internet as a deliberate challenge to see how it would affect my sense of worth. I've noticed I only feel good when I've done something my brain deems "productive". I can get the same amount of satisfaction from reading a good book as from working on a project, however something inside me tells me that, at the end of the day, I can only feel good about the latter. I need to learn to feel equally content when doing something "unproductive" as opposed to something "productive." It's a side effect of years and years of mandatory education focused entirely on producing satisfactory results instead of, y'know, learning. I fully blame the terrible high school I attended.
Anyway, those days without internet did put some things into perspective, but not in the way I expected. I've come to realise that we tend to romanticise the analog, and demonise the digital. These last two days have been peaceful, but they haven't been as soothing as they have been intensely boring. I wish I could relay the wise lessons I have learned in my two days away from the web, but I didn't really learn any.
If anything, I've learned that the internet is just where I belong. I'm a cyberspace traveler. I did, however, get a better sense of how the internet can also fill my mind with unnecessary clutter, and I intend to surf the web more mindfully in the future. At the end of my journey I was just excited to get back to work, sharing my interests with people online. Isn't it amazing how we can just do that with a few simple clicks? I'm so happy to live in this time of worldwide digital connection.
28/07/23
It's summer on the Northern Hemisphere and I spend my days inside my spaceship, coding this very site. I'm having a real hard time visualising what I want to do with it. I want to do so much but I just don't know how to format it all. I need to have a functional index page at least before I start working on any of the other shit. But I lose so much time staring at my screen, squeezing my brain to visualise a proper layout. But the brain is smoothe. The think-wrinkles are gone. I have no more inventive juice left to squeeze out. Do I sacrifice practicality for diegesis, or sacrifice diegesis for practicality??? Maybe I should browse the latest updated Neocities some more...
